Newest Animation

This is a quick playblast of my latest animation.

This is the first 3d character I've done. There were lots of pitfalls and hangups, but in the end I feel like I'm ready to move forward. I will upload some more pictures of other characters I've been working on. Mostly just different body types and base characters that I can play around with costuming. This is the first step on a long road of character design!

No Sex for Cam

It's interesting how quickly life can go from happy, full of possibilities and open doors, to all doors slammed in your face and the lights burning out in the hallway.
No sex for Cam. :(

"If I Had it All Again I'd Change it All"

Looking back, which I'm starting to think is a character flaw of mine, reveals to me a Tree of a Thousand Branches, each one a different path my life could have taken, given different choices I could have made.

I could have applied myself to my schooling as far back as middle school, graduated High School with honors and AB Calculus under my belt, perhaps even at 17. I could have set my life on a path of righteousness, I could have given myself over completely to the scum and darkness. Instead, for most of my life, the only choice I have made is not making one.

Here I am now, without a college degree, working in a warehouse through a temp agency, living with a girl who is pregnant with (probably) my child, without insurance, driving a car I only could afford because of the charity of a dying aunt. Barely floating above debtor's prison, and yet, only about 3 thousand dollars in debt all told.

I could have been something. I Could Have Ruled the World.
But Superman shot Kryptonite for the high, and is now a fat man in pajamas immune to nothing but the common cold. He knows his path, he knows what he was supposed to do, but with 1% of what he was given at birth, he's no better than you or I.

I used to believe that I wouldn't change a damn thing about my life if given the chance; that the person I am was worth all the bullshit choices.
I was wrong.
Who I am now is nothing but another face in the crowd, exactly like but never at home with all the other men who work at Amazon.com, unmarried fathers with an inflated sense of worth and too much pride.

My Just Deserts need more sugar.

Innocence

The loss of innocence is one of the hallmarks of growing up; maturity is prized over all other virtues.
But stories such as the Velveteen Rabbit, the Brave Little Toaster and Toy Story 2, told from the perspective of an entity whose entire existence hinged upon being played with, loved, or being there to comfort the innocent child and subsequently boxed, sold, donated or forgotten always grab my heart and squeeze.

I remember feeling guilty about not playing with certain toys when I was young(the only exception being Teddy Ruxpin).
I remember being overcome with a sense of guilt that I had neglected some toy, and been taken with a resolve to rearrange my stuffed animals so they all could see the room, none blocked by the animal in front of them, some being rotated into better positions so that no animal felt left out.

It seems to be a metaphor for my life, inasmuch as friends get "tossed" to the wayside as we move on in our lives. Sometimes its a relief to get the "toy" out of the room, like Teddy Ruxpin, no longer having to cower underneath the covers as he moves autonomously in the middle of the night to stare at you where you are, frozen in fear.
Others are lovingly placed in storage, where a trip into the attic will bring back pleasant memories and the sense of something forgotten regained.
Others are given to others to love more thoroughly than we ever could, to live a life of happiness we couldn't provide.
Yet all still take a well-deserved and infinitely earned piece of our hearts with them wherever they go.

My question is this: Is maturity worth this? I wouldn't go back even if I could, but not because where I am now is so much better, but because one cannot 'return to the farm after seeing gay paris."
And yet that time of innocence, when unconditional love abounded and was reflected through the fluffy heart of a stuffed white bear, was one of freedom in its own right.

Questions

What is worth doing?

The faithful say serving God.
The opportunists say taking what you can get.
The defeated say nothing.
The media says obtaining The American Dream.
The weak say Being a Good Person, the strong say taking what you want.

Get a Job; Go to School; Get Married; Start A Family; Retire; Own a Dog; Be Good; Keep Your Nose Clean; Use Condoms; Don't Worry, Be Happy; Find a Good Christian Girl; Wear Clean Underwear; Don't Talk Back; Get Your Head out of the Clouds; Go to Church.

What is worth doing?

Conform, conform, conform. The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Never do today what you could put off until tomorrow.

We are inundated with philosophy and religion, everyone trying to hammer their beliefs into everyone else.

What is worth doing?
Or, What do you want?

Develop your strengths and steer away from your weaknesses.

"Dad, I think I want to be a tattoo artist."
"I would be extremely disappointed, son."

You need to get laid. You need to fill this out. You need to chill. You need, you need, you need.
Society is the single greatest flaw of humanity, and yet we need it more than anything.

What is the answer?

Island hopping

I just found out that a girl I used to be madly in love with is engaged.
Good for her.
It's nice to know that some people are actually moving on with their lives.
This was a baseless, innocent puppy love thing.

Interestingly enough, she is one of the very few girls I have ever fallen for that is a "nice girl."
She isn't completely crazy, doesn't have horrible morals, and loves to read. She never had that sort of raise the blood to boiling level of spiritual and pheromonal attraction, she just spoke to me on a level that I had never been spoken to.
She's a hardcore Christian, and all of these other things that I don't go for anymore.

And yet, there is still that twinge of sadness that comes from knowing she is getting married to another man.
I'm not jealous, I'm not depressed, and I have no desire to get in the way and try to stake my claim before it's too late, but there is something nagging at me.

There was a time in which we sailed the open seas in the same convoy, and as time passed we all furled our sails and struck off in different directions. She has found an Island to make her home on, while I have become a pirate. I loot and plunder, and have no place of my own. I am ruled by the passions of the sea, and buffeted about.
I don't know which I would rather be. Perhaps I can find a pirate who will sail with me...

That always turns into one of us(usually me) getting robbed blind and betrayed to an enemy.

We are Who We Are

"People say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

I just read The Glass Castle by Jeannette Wells. Really good book.

Sitting here at my desk in my mother's house; unemployed and having done nothing today except run a few errands, apply for a job and start and finish a book, I have come to a sort of realization.

People are who they are, and yet, our upbringing plays such an integral part in defining our motivations that it's hard to separate Who We Are from Who We've Become.
The Glass House is a book about a girl who grew up the daughter of a drunk bum, living in squalor and poverty stricken until she graduated from high school.
Her father was the rakish, charismatic scoundrel who never kept a job and had grandiose plans to be an entrepreneur, but lacked the gumption, whether due to alcoholism or his own nature to ever make anything of it.

People are drawn to make distinctions, a sort of inherent homage to Order that is belied by our Chaotic Nature.
In keeping with this, I make distinctions now: personality types that permeate society.
There are closed-minded people who run from life;
People who fall back on some grace-gifted trait to make a living, be it charisma, strength, toughness, intelligence etc.
there are people who have to work hard at life just to get by
people who are Jacks of all Trades, with natural aptitudes that they exploit,
Dreamers
Realists
and people who fall back on willful ignorance to explain their fate;
people who accept their lot in life and go with it,
people who aspire to lofty goals of starvation in pursuit of a skill, such as artists, musicians and writers, who believe that so long as they can do what it is they love, they don't have to fit into society as the tabloids portray.

Yet, our upbringing, or at least the circumstances of our childhoods, influence us in ways beyond this.
There are people who want to be taken care of,
People who want to take care of others,
People who make it on their own because they can't rely on anyone else
People with motivation and ambition, and people without these things.

New Goal

I hope to have a publishable DRAFT of the first book in the Chronicles of the Second Invasion done by December 31 this year. The book itself is coming together nicely, and though the current version is different than the last, it is not wholly different.
By the end of the year, the only hurdle left to jump will be the decision on HOW to tell the story, rather than WHAT to tell.

My current goal is to have the finished copy out to publishers by June of next year.

Wish me luck and keep on my ass, because this project has been too long in the making,

Creativity

So I've been more creative lately, drawing, messing around with creative software, thinking about novel projects and the like. This is the new working title for God War, and this pic is one of the better I rendered.
There is no substitute for creativity.

a post simply to change the scenery

This is hereby the Year of Writing.
I have no excuse not to get published somehow this year, be it a short story or something more substantial. This is not so much a Resolution as a goal to be achieved.

Be Nice

You have to love girls.
I used to think that the kind of girl I wanted only existed in my mind. I have since found this to be untrue. I'm not falling for a girl, but the kind of girl, with the confidence and the effervescence and the ability to stake claims and the specific ways they stake those claims, actually exists.
Larkin actually grabbed my crotch and kissed me in public staking her claim in front of this really cute brunette I was talking to a while back, Sara actually verbally attacked another girl to stake her claim. It's interesting and awesome to see how far people will go, and how certain people who's faults and strengths you already recognize carry out there reactions.
I'm sorry, but this is badass.
Over the last few months I have truly lived. I have seen great things, horrible things, and certainly met a lot of characters.
My writing has improved exponentially because of it, and that makes me happy.
Another thing that makes me jump with joy is actually meeting people that fit molds for characters I have already drawn up. That just means that I have done something right, and that I do actually have a grasp on who people really are, or at least how they act in public and private.

HEHEHEHEE

Paradigm Shift

There are times in one's life when decisions need to be made, choices picked that will close old doors and open new ones.

One will never be the same after these kinds of decisions, but the outcome, and the way change affects us is up to the chooser.

Some people fall in love with someone, and when it doesn't work out, they become jaded, and sink to levels they never would have reached before. Some people hold on to 'the one that got away' and never try again.
Others realize that 'the one that got away' was just one, and resign themselves to finding a new 'one.'

I am at this point faced with a paradigm shift. I realize that the girl I fell in love with doesn't exist. At this point I have several options. I can continue looking for a girl that matches the description, or I can find within myself something else to look for. I can gather completely new information about what I want, and go from there. If I do this, there will not be a physical girl there living in the back of my mind as 'the one.' rather, my perspective will be widened and I will be set free to find a good girl.
There is no girl of my dreams, there is only the girl I will eventually marry, who will not fall into any physical category that I can put together in my mind.

I can leave this world behind and walk into the daylight, beginning a new journey as a new man. I have found myself, and I know what I'm capable of. Now is the time for me to find who I want to be, and become said person.

There are good things about me, but even those must be reforged. I must melt myself down completely, remove the dross, and be forged anew, perhaps as an alloy, perhaps as a more pure version of myself, with a new shape, a new perpose, a new life.

It's Really Good to Hear Your Voice

...sayin my name it sounds so sweet coming from the lips of a[falle]n angel hearing those words it makes me weak. And I never wanna say goodbye, but girl you make it hard to be faithful[to myself]... with the lips of a[falle]n angel.

I know you haven't changed, love. I know you've regressed even. But goddamnit, girl, I still want you, I still care, and I still...
I still see that girl I fell in love with every time. Every time I smell you, see you, hear you speak, feel your energy anywhere near me, every time I touch you, be it your hand or your hip, every time I taste you on the air, kiss you on the neck, that girl who never existed pops into my mind smiling at me with arms spread wide.

I can't handle this. Perhaps in ten years time, when I'm married with or without kids, with or without a dog, a picket fence or even a yacht, perhaps then, when I come into contact with you I will remember you, not that girl. Perhaps then we can speak of old times, catch up on each other's lives and part ways amicably, each of us a better person for the time spent.
Now, just seeing you from afar rips me asunder, tears me limb from limb, muscle from ligament, with desire and hope, with longing.

These feelings I have for you, they defy all reason. They defy logic, intelligence and philosophy.

I know, deep down, and on the surface as well, that I am not the only one who feels this way. What I wouldn't give to be able to ensnare people like you do. What I wouldn't give to be able to make the people I want want me with such a fervor that they would go to the ends of the earth, fight battles and lose friends just to be by my side, even though they know exactly who I am, and all reason, logic and intelligence says they should be far, far away.

What I wouldn't give...

What I Wouldn't Give.

Stupidity and Love

I believe that I have used up my alotment of stupidity. I am no longer allowed to be stupid.
I was in love with a person who didn't exist, and I have been trying to rationalize spending time with her regardless.
This isn't stupidity if I know I can control my urges and my feelings, but who can?
If I spend time with her I'll want her again, and that's not fair to me.

There is such a thing as True Romantic Love. I just don't think I've ever experienced it to the fullest for one near my age. Infatuation, limerance, tender affection, or extreme attraction perhaps, but never True Romantic Love.
Love grows over time. I love Annie, inasmuch as I want good things for her, but I don't have romantic feelings for her. I feel the same way about Larkin, though my romantic feelings are just under the surface, methinks. Perhaps I need a bit more time to pull away... which is in keeping with the 'not being stupid anymore' part.
Who knows...

I'm done now.

Grief Over Lost Paragons

I have come to a place in life that in the back of my mind I dreaded, but merely because it represented a sense of new beginnings.

My last relationship was a failure in many ways, and yet, a success in one very important way.

In the past I have made mistakes, and done what I could to not make them again. One of these past mistakes was thinking about a girl I barely knew, and over the years attributing qualities to her that she may or may not have had.
You start with something they do, and then expound upon that, and eventually, that becomes fact in your mind and you keep expounding from there. Lo and Behold, this girl is the epitome of the perfect woman for you. Years down the road, you've run into her a couple of times, and one or two actions fit so perfectly with that image in your mind that you never stop to think 'how do I know this about her?'
Then you start dating her, because that's the natural next step when you already love someone. Over the course of the relationship you realize, even though you are able to accept some faults, that this person has far more than you originally realized(because they're human). You slowly start to realize that this person isn't who you thought they were, and the relationship at that point is doomed.
I know that I have a very hard time overcoming mental images of people. Once it becomes apparent that this person acts differently, my traitorous mind decides that what I have in my head is Who They Could Be, and I set the wheels in motion to help them Get Back To Themselves.
This is wrong.
Denial: I can't believe you're acting like this. Stop.
Anger: What the Fuck is wrong with you? Shape up or ship out!
bargaining: Well, due to this or that, they have fallen down the tubes, and I can help them back to The Shining Beacon of Femininity and Love that I know they are.
Depression: I can't help them and I don't care.
Acceptance: They never were that person, it was all just a figment of my imagination.

Fortunately, Larkin was the last girl that I did this for. I came to a conclusion my freshman year of college that people change. I stopped thinking about girls like that, realized that if I had found true love, I would still have it. Then I dated Annie, and the process started over again, but in a mutated form.
I saw that which was standing in her way, and proceeded to remove that block. This is good, but it still involves holding people to higher standards than they can conceivably meet.
Now, having disillusioned myself of the purity and angelic nature of the one girl that I had fallen back on after every relationship since meeting her, I am finally through most of the fire. I can calm my wild natures and make better decisions, I can use my wisdom and knowledge to help people, but not to such a degree. This act becomes more and more feasible I mean to say.

Reflections

This year has been a strange one in many regards.
I was messing around with a girl from my past for six months, I've been having a great time being single since, I didn't go to my festival in Tennissee, and I'm not working at a haunted house. Not to mention the slew of weddings I have attended. I haven't written much at all so far this year, and I've been spending my time immersed in role-playing games, drinking, and flirting.
I also think I have become a better person, insomuch as at one point, I received praise from all of my friends for an act that they all attributed higher moral reasoning to than I did. What was different about this is that I wanted that praise, wanted them to think of me that way, and so from then on, have been doing similar things for the correct moral reasons rather than feigned ones.
These acts are unsung, and yet, that's how they should be. I received enough praise for the wrong reason once to last me a lifetime of doing that action for the right reasons every time.

All in all, I would say that this year so far hasn't been any worse than other years, and yet, not any better either.
I have decided to be a better person, and various ways have made themselves known.
*shrugs*
I don't really have a conclusion to this.

A great night

So I met one of the most beautiful women in the world last night.
Absolutely gorgeous... and I got her number.

I would never have met her had Alex not decided to be a little bitch. Friday I psyched myself up to go to Zack's bachelor party all day, telling myself that no matter what, I was going to have a great time. Dispite Sailor Moon marathons and whatnot, I told myself that not only would I have a good time, but Zack would appreciate my presence.
Alex was supposed to pick me up at 5:15 at my place, and we were going to trek to louisville and do our thing. I call him at 2:00 and he tells me he's on the road.
To the 'ville.
So I got a bit pissed, having spent the day psyching myself up.
So that night Will calls me and we head out to the bars.
Once in McCarthy's we spy a girl and strike up a conversation, and then her friend shows up....
The aforementioned gorgeous girl.
So until we get kicked out of McCarthy's, We're talking. After we leave, and I have contact info, I run into two Irish chicks, which Will and I spend the next couple of hours talking to. We're meeting them again tonight at McCarthy's, and I can only assume we'll hang with them until they leave for My Island in a week.
All in all, the night that was going to be a trial ended up being one of the better ones I've had in a while.
GIRLS!!!!
HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!

GBS(General Bullshit)

I am thoroughly enjoying being single right now. I don't think I've had this much fun in a long time. Last night was the bachelor party, and that was just too much fun. Beer pong, running through triangle park's fountains with a girl, party party party.
I had an outstanding time, it was, methinks, one of the better parties I've thrown, but then again, I didn't get to go to the last real party I threw.

Girls.
Girls are so much fun, and they are hilarious to watch. Some girls get vicious with others, some just kinda play along and make the other think everything's ok, and then stab her in the back later, others just brazenly take what they want and cast triumphant looks at the other girl.
All in all, they are a study in non-violent confrontation.

Today is Jarvis' wedding. Next thursday is lucy's party, and friday is Zack Grow's party. Zack kinda did things the right way, though only in certain aspects. His bachelor party consists of role-playing and a Sailor Moon marathon. I think I'm going to shoot myself.
No booze, he doesn't want it anywhere near him, and no strippers, which, all in all, just saves us money. For all I know his fiancee will be there, because she likes role-playing and sailor moon as well. they are a match made in AnimeHeaven.
The only way his bachelor party is correct, is that it's a week before the wedding, though he won't need any time to recover.
Lucy's party should be fun though.

Seriously though, I don't think I've had this much fun being single in several years, if ever. I don't WANT a girlfriend right now, which may mean that it happens, because that's how life works, but there you have it. SINGLE IS GOOD.

Wedding Season

....And their off!!!

Wedding Season is in full swing these days, with not one, but four of my friend's weddings happening over the next two weekends. Wedding Season started in august, when Trey tied the knot, and started its pendulum motion when a new guy at work jumped the broom and sword last weekend.
In honor of this, tonight I am taking my suit to the drycleaners, popping in Tomcats, and Wedding Crashers, and cracking open a six pack to ready myself for the revelry that is to ensue.

'Tis the season to be single, because, just like Christmas, the feeling of joy spreads. First to the females, and then to the males(though I have to say that Alex got a bit freaked out over the last month and a half, and asked Heather to marry him(thinking that Larkin and I were going to work out and get married, watching Trey come home married, knowing about Joe, Jarvis and Zack, and thinking about Chris and Carrie). [this lasted a week]).

So this season should be one of the more enjoyable times, though, as it wanes, I will be left with a few close friends with wich to share the 'burden' of bachelorhood, and hold it aloft, saving it from extinction.
-Should be interesting....

Knowledge vs. Suspicion

Knowing is better than suspecting, no matter how hard the truth is to hear.
For instance; knowing that your girlfriend has been with another man the whole time you dated is better than suspecting so, because if you don't know then you might take her back, but if you do know, you won't even give her the time of day.

Suspicion is a virus. It grows and grows, sewing discord until there is nothing left but mistrust.
Knowledge, on the other hand, breeds no doubt, and allows one to act accordingly.

Forced Réchauffé

So I got exactly what I needed last night... which almost never happens.
As a result, I have made decisions that needed to be made, and taken steps to rectify certain situations.
If there is one thing that I have found to be true, it is that we can't trust ourselves to be strong all the time. No matter what we tell ourselves, no matter how hard we try, if we put ourselves in situations that are rife with temptation, we will fail.
I know more about myself now than I used to, which is of course, the goal.
I know that if I tell myself something, I won't necessarily listen, and thus, if I am truly adamant about a certain thing, I shouldn't allow the temptation to foster in my soul, I should remove myself from the situation completely.
Which is now going into effect.

Another thing I know about myself that I didn't before.
If I get a gut feeling about something, It's pretty much true.
If more than sixty percent of me feels that something is wrong, something is fucked up, It generally is.
The only part about knowing this is that I found out the hard way... which I have come to know is the only way I learn.
The most recent "benefit" of this knowledge has allowed me to build up resilience to the wiles of a certain succubus through the cheapening of the feelings I had for her, and knowing the truth of the time we spent together.

The Lamentations of a Disenfranchised Romantic

In life there is one thing that is constant.
People will fuck you over if you let them.

This is what I have let happen with Larkin.
I let her fuck me over for two months, and I wanted her during this time, regardless of what she was doing to me. I still want her, but I don't want WHO SHE IS. I want her body, I want a girl with the same or greater level of charm that she has, but SHE is one of the worst people I have ever met, let alone fallen for. She supercedes Jessica Whitman, who, in front of my face went for my best friend over me.
In my dealings with Larkin I accepted what I wanted to hear against the knowledge that she would fuck me over.
What we want is much more powerful than what we know.

She fucked up.
She fucked up big. She just lost the only chance she had to get back with me, and I'm not bragging(because my competition is the dregs of society) when I say that I was the best thing to ever happen to her.
She has gotten herself into a rut that will be all the more dfficult to climb out of the longer she stays in it; yet, the problem is, she WANTS to be in this rut. She can't step back and see the larger picture and know where she is. She will never see past the moment, and that(thankfully) is never a LASTING problem I have. I get it every once in a while, but I generally get myself away from whatever it is that is keeping me from stepping back, and then do so.

In more ways than the surface meaning. What we Know(as in what we are used to) is far worse than what we WANT, and yet, somewhere buried inside us, we WANT what we know, regardless of the so-called "realization" that what we know is wrong.

It's a vicious circle called love, and it is the greatest failing and(simultaneously) the greatest strength of our species.

My question is this:
If we were able to step past Love, to completely exonerate it from our existence, would we really miss it?
All of the detritus that comes with this feeling we think is supreme would be stacked against the true nature of the feeling, and the detritus would FAR outweigh the feeling.
At this point we could say to ourselves that a life without love is indeed better than a life with it, for the desire to love brings too much crap with it. the desire to love allows us to get ourselves into positions that a more intelligent, more rational being would never consider. We fool ourselves into thinking that the moments of "true love" are worth all the shit, and that once we "find love" all will be catapulted into outer space by the overwhelming weight of the [drunks can't utilize vocabulary] that our current situation affords us.
this is bullshit.

Losing Perspective

I'm losing my resolve.
I really like this girl, maybe more.
I've enjoyed being single, setting up dates and going out with people, having wild monkey sex with people I just met and whatnot, but I still come back to what seems like a base point of caring about her more, and wanting to be with her, not these other girls.
I broke up with her for specific reasons, and yet, since that happened, she seems like she's really tried to choke up on the bat and stop swinging wildly. She's really been working on our relationship, even as friends... and that's one of the major things I was wanting from her.
I want her bad, and I have no idea why... from anyone else the things she did to me would make me want to kill her and never talk to her again, but I just can't stay mad at her, and I can't keep hating her.
mybe if I find someone to actually DATE, then these feelings will evaporate. I had feelings like this for Annie, and now I don't want her, but that took forever, and we didn't really have all that good of a time together unless we were fucking.
Larkin... perhaps I am merely losing perspective. Perhaps what I want is clouding what happened... I don't know.
Will would say so, Austin would say so, Alex would say "maybe she is changing," and my mom would say "don't get hurt." Austin's oppinion doesn't count, because, well, it's Austin, and he's sorely inexperienced in matters of the heart.
Will's a bastard, but at least he knows what he's talking about, and he's a good friend. Alex is a great friend, he knows what's going on in my head, and he's going through the same things. He honestly wants what's best for me. He would probably say something along the lines of don't let yourself get hurt.
I mean, it is my life, and my friends are just that, friends. Sources of advice who have different perspectives on the situation, yes, but they aren't me, and they can't make my decisions for me...

Society's Mantle

In life there are very few constants.
1) Love exists, and is the greatest tribulation of our species.
2) Ignorance is something one must constantly struggle with, for:
3) Nothing is static; everything changes.

Those of us who constantly wish for a path to follow are intellectually and spiritually lazy.
Wishing there was a path to follow, some benevolent intangible being watching over us and wanting good things for us is just a product of our own fear of failure. Society sets upon us a mantle of expectations that we tend to follow more closely, or desire more deeply than that which is given us by parents or guardians, regardless of what we want or think is right.
Society says we should be successful, get married, have children, work hard, play hard, die young and leave a beautiful corpse.
this fear of failure, that we have one chance to do what will work the best for us, or we will never be happy, is like a suit of chains mooring us to an ever-sinking ship. This suit of chains can be cast off by the individual, but it usually requires the ship hitting bottom before we figure out that we can, in fact, reach the surface again.
Yet, when our ship sinks, we feel as if we have no hard surface to stand on, no base point, when in reality, any base point we set up is always floating freely.
Even Islands become inhabitable.
My advice to you is to take risks. Nothing is gained by wishes, nothing is gained though worry. We can only live and be happy through throwing ourselves to the four winds, and waiting to see where we land.

I have decided to do what I want. Descretion will be involved, realism will abound, and yet, I will live my life as I see fit. Doing the things that make one happy is a vital and neccesary part of having a life worth living.

On a completely random note, the profession of bartender is a lower paying, more effective form of psychologist. Bartenders give you advice on life, cheer you up, provide for you when you need it most a prescription for mood-enhancing drugs and hands-on prevention of severe or fatal overindulgence, and tell you, with authority, when you are out of line. Without bartenders, this world would be a much darker place.

(I don't want to be bothered with a title)

What is best in life?

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women?

To have a good woman, lots of money and children?

To do have a career that makes you happy, regardless of what others expect of you?

To have hope?

Perhaps the best things in life are Love, Happiness, and Friendship.

I don't know. I want to be able to crush my enemies, have a good woman, do that which I want to do, have lots of money, hope, happiness, love and freindship.

Some of these things may well be mutually exclusive.
In order to have the love of a good woman, you need lot's of money. In order to have lots of money, you can't have a career that makes you happy...
So is the love of a good woman enough to make you happy, or is happiness something else entirely? Should I pursue a career that will make me happy, and then hope to find some girl out there who won't mind living off of meager wages, or should I go for a career that will get me significant moneys and marry a girl who wants me for my money and screws the starving artist on the side?

Should I trick some girl into loving me, pursue my dreams and let her win the bread until I make it big?

Regardless, there has to be some deception, because according to some people, putting any effort whatsoever into a relationship with me isn't worth it.

Dregs of Humanity

I can't stand people who list off the actions they hate in other people, but don't stop and think that perhaps they do the same things. I guess it's the unbridled self-righteousness of it all.

The people that do this really have no place to mention what they hate about others, because they fall in the category "Dregs of Humanity," and would be better suited to spend their time worrying about the horrible things they do rather than running away.

It's like a serial killer complaining about someone who commits manslaughter, a serial rapist complaining that someone raped his daughter.

I know my shortcomings. Some of which I truly have a passion to correct, others I like to sweep under the carpet and hope nobody notices.
Regardless, I try to be a good person, I try to do the right thing, and I try not to use people. Nobody's perfect, but some at least try to be.

I Like the Third Option

Here's the deal.
I love this girl. I've loved her since I got to know her, I've had a thing for her since I met her.
The last two months have been horrible, and yet, things were starting to get better.
we had nice conversations. We spent time together and enjoyed each other's presence. We weren't around each other 24/7, dragging each other down because of what was going on in our lives. We started working our full hours again, we started living our lives again.
Yet, the lingering doubts never washed away, they only got pushed to the background by the things I enjoy doing on a regular basis, and she was sleeping around on me. She was using me for alcohol, and every night we spent together going back to her ex-boyfriends house to get laid.
Thursday night we had a great time at Lynagh's. We had great conversations, and then we came back to my place, and I confronted her on some issues that had come to the forefront over the last few days.
She ran away. She decided not to deal with my confrontation, she decided that it would be better to be elsewhere, and pretend the conversation never happened.
I called her out on her behavior toward her ex and me.
I told her, that though I may be wrong, I'm going to tell you how I percieve things, and then you can tell me how I'm wrong.
I said I think she wants to be with me, but she's keeping the door open with her ex boyfriend. Then she started acting weird, and I asked her what was going through her head, and she said she was plotting her escape.
I must have hit the nail on the fucking head, because when that came out of my mouth, she reacted immediately.

I then took her home, and she kicked me out very quickly. She kissed me on the cheek, and I asked her if that meant we were over, and she said no, and leaned in and stuck her tongue down my throat.
Promptly thereafter she shut the door and locked it.
Part of what pissed me off was that at lynagh's she told me she had thirty dollars, and then I spent money on her, she went and bought cigarettes and a 12 pack, shared one beer with me and left.
I asked her if she was buying beer to drink with other people, and she said 'no, I want to have it, but i won't drink it unless you're with me..." but the phrase was weak, and it lacked conviction.
I don't know what's going on... and that's another reason why I got so angry last night.
I don't remember what I said to her over the phone, but I remember leaving three voicemails, the last of which was something along the lines of "at this point in my life i need a girl that cares about me more than herself, and I care about her more than myself, and so it balances out and shit still gets done... then a long pause, and a muttered 'it's over.'

Since telling her, at least on voicemail, that it was over, I've had a lighter load on my shoulders, but then again, I start to think that things were getting so much better, and that this weekend was going to be great.

The worst possible outcome of the immediate future is getting back with her, remembering everything, knowing nothing and heaped under a boatload of stress about what I want to know, and being a fool for a girl who is only using me.
The best would be knowing the truth, forgiving her, wiping the slate clean, starting over at a later time when she's past these foolish actions, trusting her, enjoying my life and those who are in it, and every moment we spend together.
Either of these outcomes can come to pass, and then there's the third option;
Just stay the hell away from her all together.

I like the third option... I put up with too much stress, too much abuse, too much betrayal, and too many actions that should have made me slap the shit out of her and kick her belligerent ass to the street to find her own way home, covered in her own urine and so drunk she can't talk.
I'll be her friend, but I'll be damned if I do anything for her...
And I'll enjoy my time with Angela.

The Kindness of Strangers

So I woke up this morning thinking about Larkin. Whatever it was, it was great. Then I remembered that I broke up with her last night.

I think I did the right thing.

More importantly, and the reason for this entry, is to report on the kindness of strangers.
I was leaning on a fence, my head in my hands when a lady walks by and asks me if everything is alright.
I looked up and said, "Girl problems."
She said, "Oh," and walked about 30 feet away, turned around and said, "If she really cared about you, she would want to make you feel good, not feel like this," and then walked away.

Needless to say, her comment took me aback. I had forgotten that about girls... The ones that care about you want to make you feel good...
And I had lost my way.
Some call those people angels.
Whatever she was, she had a bit more insight than the normal passer by.
What prompted her to say "if she really cared" rather than something to the effect of, 'She'll come around,' or 'Don't worry, it will work itself out in the end'...?

I guess at this point in my life I need a girl who cares about me as much as I care about her. Someone who, like I did with Larkin, cares about me more than themselves... So that when I need to go to the grocery so I can eat for two weeks, put gas in my car, and pay bills, she will say, "Don't worry about taking me out tonight, I have popcorn over here, we'll just sit and watch a movie," or, "I'll take YOU out tonight then."

Larkin couldn't do that for me...
Thus, my predominant thought today has been, "Why did I have to fall in love with her?"

Falling Behind... Again

The stress of my future is weighing heavy on my shoulders.
I no longer have the option of doing what I want to do, I now must merely do what I can to get where I want to be.
The dream of getting a degree in creative writing, with a minor in journalism and Communications is just that, but more. It's an adolescent pipe dream. What are the odds of getting a job as an editor, and what are the odds of getting published?

Philosophically, I feel as if the death of my dreams has caused me to become complacent towards an ever-growing threat of demise.

I want things in my life that my dreams won't provide, and yet, those things are material. Happiness is priceless, both in it's worth and in the fact that it can't be bought.

Marriage.
I am for the first time in my life in a place where marriage is a serious concern, and yet, that is the last thing I need right now. I want the love of a woman, but I need direction rather than a partner. I don't mean a mother or father figure, I mean direction spawned from my own self.
Yet, when is a partner's time? Should they not be with you and there for you during your times of strife? Isn't that one of the best parts of a serious relationship... the comfort and support that bolsters you for that one moment until you can take the next step yourself?
Yet, without these material things, I won't be able to keep a good girl. Love is supposed to conquer all, but what girl in her right mind would marry a man who will struggle to support her, constantly chasing his dream, even if she loves him?

The reader shall find me slumped forward on my desk, my head resting in my hands with a burning cigarette signifying my vain efforts to light my path.

Sell the Kids for Food

I absolutely hate money.
I will be enduring hardships for the next ten days, while looking for a job where I can work 25-30 hours a week on top of what I work now, just to pull in an extra 240 every two weeks.
Starbucks is close to my house, perhaps I can get on there.

I have officially quit smoking as of today.
I have been without cigarettes while in jail for three days before, but lit one up just as soon as i got out, because i could, and I had them. This time I don't have them, don't have a way to get them, and can't bring myself to bum cigarettes until i have money again in ten days(which of course, will all go toward food).
Plus I have figured out that mybe cigarettes do suppress your appetite, but if you haven't eaten more than a snickers bar in two days, cigarettes are a horrible idea( I found this out about two weeks ago.)

Girl started work today, and is having about the same money problems that I am, except for different reasons.

So Alex seems to think that the fact that my girl got off drugs was directly related to me and my actions.
I have repeatedly told him that nobody quits drugs unless they want to.
Regardless the point of this is that Alex is trying to get a particular girl off drugs, because(from my point of view) he has fallen in love with the idea of marrying a girl and having kids with her within five years, and for whatever reason, he thinks this drug addict is the one he wants.
I don't know if he thinks that my relationship with Larkin is a shining beacon of hope when it comes to guys pulling girls out of addiction to "nurse them back to health" and then marry them down the road or something, but I assure you, my relationship with Larkin is nothing like that.

it was just good luck that she decided to quit drugs when she did, because I wouldn't have stuck around waiting much longer, in fact, I had already moved on when I found out she was quitting.
I didn't nurse her back to health, I was merely there when she needed me, though she never wanted my help. I am in no way "hoping to marry this girl." i am dating her now, I would like to see where this relationship goes. That's that. I mean, yes, you date people to see if you are compatible with them, which in the long run leads to marriage at our age, but... I'm not running up to her saying, "Oooh, let's see if we like each other enough to get married.... your really hot!"


Alex has gotten himself into a mindset that in order not to fall behind, he has to marry a girl and have kids within five years. this is stupid, because he's not searching for the one, and hoping, he will be contented with anything he can get within time to have his kids.

more on this later.

I hate my life

I hate my life.
I hate money, I hate the situation I'm in. I hate that I won't get an Undergraduate digree for another four years, I hate that I make $10 an hour, I hate that I can't seem to care enough about myself to clean my apartment or decorate it, I hate that I don't care enough about myself to work out... even without a gym.
I hate that I don't have luxuries and opportunities, I hate that I have lost contact with a lot of my friends, I hate that I drink exorbitant amounts of alcohol, I hate that my luck doesn't work like people I see, I hate that I don't meet people anymore, I hate that I have fucked off for so long that I have too much catch-up to do, I hate my emotional state of affairs, I hate my physical state of affairs, and I hate my spiritual state of affairs.
I hate other things about myself, physical and mental.
I hate that I have no REAL passion for writing right now, I hate that I have no real ambition, and I hate that I am Lazy.

I hate myself, because I don't take care of me, I take care of others.
I want to quit.
I want to restart, make better decisions and be 24 right now, with all of those decisions having been made.

I look at where I am, and I look at where I could have been. I look at what's in between, and I can't exactly say that even the in-between wouldn't be far better.

I owe money to people and have no real way of paying it back any time soon.
Even if I could start over financially, like I did at the beginning of september, not owing anything, with a bit of money saved to afford an apartment. If I could get a windfall of money, It wouldn't have to be much, just enough to cover what I owe and be able to pay what I need to pay on time this month, I could feel better.
DAMNIT, this life sucks.

Meeting in the Middle

So I realized today that I don't hate girl. I also realized last night, knowing where she was without having to check or call anyone, that I don't even care that she was there. I got a small little hitch of anger, and then it was immediately gone. I think I might be starting to pull away from her because of the level of stress she's brought into my life so far. I don't want to be worried that she's cheating on me when she's not at my place, I don't want to be worried that she's out on a date with someone else while she's with me. I also don't want her there the whole time. I want to have the stability in the relationship that if Im not around her I'm not worried she's fucking me over, and when I'm with her we're either making up from a bullshit fight or having a great time like we are wont to do. It doesn't help the situation that I have reasons to beleive that both outcomes are very possible. What does help, though, is that I no longer worry about her cheating.

I wonder why that is?

From Love to Hate to Love to Hate to Love...

So I have come to expect certain things from love; one of which is the fact that it endureth, and yet, can run and hide in the deepest, darkest catacomb of the soul, only to lick it's wounds and come back again another day.

There are some things this girl does that I just can't stand; there are some things about her that I can't stand, and then, there are the things that polish those rough spots out, and make her gleam in my eyes like spun gold.

Sometimes I want to break her in half, other times I want to fuck her to death, other times I can't stand to see her, other times I can't wait to.

I was once a hopeless romantic. I had a vision in my head of a girl that every time I see her I love her even more, of doing the same things, loving each other fully and never fighting.
I got over that a long time ago.
Now I know that when two people are together, they won't agree on everything, they won't always be feeling the same ways at the same time. there will be fights, but these fights result in common cause more often than not, and the two people come back to each other afterwards, having done nothing to worsen the situation after the fight.

I don't know, It's kinda scary when I start to think about it. The feelings I have for this girl run the gammut from Love to like to frustration and distrust to dislike to hatred, and back again. And back again does it ever go...