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GRRRRRR!!
I hate getting stood up.

I really really hate it.

I have no idea why it happened this time, except that she has been going to sleep early lately.
Problem is, she seemed all excited about going out tonight, and we had a great time at pazzo's for a little while.
Oh well. I guess I won't see her until I get back from Myrtle Beach.
this sucks.

anyway. I was going to comment on the inner workings of peoples minds through a cameron and everyone he knows filter, but I just don't care, and I need to actually write something worth publishing(not that this will happen btw).

No, most like I will sell my soul to oblivion tonight, or some other form of mind-numbing activity.

Too Much to Ask

I have been artless in many ways lately.
My time has been spent playing Elder Scrolls IV, chillin with girl and drinking myself retarded.

I have been artless in my persuit of girl, I have not been making any art, and I have been artlessly neglectful of my self.

This is changing. I have restarted martial arts with the Master that piqued my interest in the very beginning, I had the desire today to make art on paper and the computer, and I've been thinking about Hadri and the other projects off and on for the last five days.

Girls suck you dry, then leave your parched husk to bake in the sun, praying for rain.

I have an inside source for the workings of girls. She has kids as old as I am, but is probably 10 years younger than my mom. She points out little things that you notice, and then expounds upon them from the mind of a woman who has raised a child and seen her child raise a child.

The cost of the ability to create life is high. Hormones are never stable, pain is constant, but the pleasure is tenfold. A woman's entire body is an eroginous zone. I won't hesitate to tell you that I like to be caressed as well, but you run a finger lightly down my arm and I don't get wet.

You know, the society of sex is unspoken, and this leads to a lot of people abusing it without due recourse.
Also to do with this is the level of self-worth each person has.
for instance, I love to cuddle. I love to run my hands over every curve on a woman's body, from the earlobe to where the neck meets the shoulder to the curve of the back to the waist and hip, and other more widely talked about zones. I love to kiss, I love going down on girls.
I don't do this in any hope that others will do this to me. In fact, most girls won't reciprocate these things. They think that guys want sex and then their obligations are done.
I want a girl who likes to touch me. I live by the golden rule, but the problem is, not too many other people do. I don't do these things so that I will get them in return, I do these things because I love to do them. It would just be nice if someone did decide to return these favors.
Touch others like you want to be touched
kiss others like you want to be kissed
do your best for others, so that others will do their best for you
If I get head(which by the way, has been forEVER ago...) I always return the favor.

I'm not a perfect person. Hell, I'm not even good, but I try to be, and I'm constantly working towards it. I'm not talking about the kind of good that one attributes to boy scouts and ministers, Im talking about being good at the things I think are good. My morals are a bit looser than my grandmother would like, but you know what, That's my choice. The only person that is hurt by my actions is me. I dont' hurt people if I can help it, I don't kill people. I don't steal, lie or cheat.
I have sex with people I like, I drink a lot, I smoke, I do drugs every once in a while. I've been known to blow things up or set them on fire, I've done graffitti.
I go to pagan firtility festivals where people walk around naked and have gratuitous protected sex with multiple partners. I like to fight, but I don't do it often. I hate people who wrong me, and if given sufficient motive, will exact revenge immediately, though if I have a bit of time, i usually get over the vengance stage and move on to whatever next stage there is. I hate cops. I have plans for world domination that will put a lot of people out, but will make the general populace more safe.
I think I'm better than a lot of people. I'm arrogant, aloof, and sometimes scared.
There are things about me I hate that drive me to majorly self destructive behavior.

My point is, I am my own person, and I make decisions based upon my own experiences, not those things that have happened to me, or to spite someone else, or out of fear.
I want to be treated like my own person, and that is something that is rarely found in the female population. they either want to controll you, use you, or have nothing to do with you.

I'm looking for a genuine girl who I enjoy being around, who wants to be around me. I want this girl to be in it for her, and in it for me. I want the love of a genuine girl.
I guess that's too much to ask.

Professional Idiots

People are stupid and professionals are worse.
Worse because they are accountable for thier stupidity, but rarely keep this in mind, and rarely get reminded of this fact.

POINT A:
Never give someone with a history of eating disorders a medicine that supresses the appetite. I know this, you know this, and the proverbial he knows this, but the professional she apparently forgot.

I don't care what reason she had for doing this, It's wrong. If I can see it, a professional should know it by heart.

Some people just don't want to think. Most often you find these people in professional positions where thinking is Absolutely neccessary.
This action is as bad as giving a suicide survivor a powerful depressant, or giving an opiate to someone who has abused Herione. For fuck's sake people! why don't you just slit thier wrists for them?
Better yet, give them an ounce of cocaine and some feathery wings. Tell them that the wings are magical flying boosters and send them on thier way.
I could understand this if our society favored culling the herd, but we do not.
We live in a society that values the individual, and does everything in it's power to save every life possible. If anything bad comes from this, it will be murder.
If nothing bad happens, it's as good as attempted murder.
Malpractice is a horrible stain on anyone's resume, but I wouldn't stop there. I would stuff them so full of pills that they choked, and know I was doing society a favor, simply by removing a threat to the vulnerable.

I am Cam's Searing Epiphany

watching fight club again has brought about all kinds of memories, thoughts, and enlightened ideas. Have you ever had a dream so vivid that you could have sworn the people were real and the events happened, yet you have never met these people or been to these places?

I certainly have.

Have you ever wooed a muse, brought her back to your place and fucked her?

I certainly have.

Have you ever had a dream where you were exactly what you wanted to be, performing in whatever you do, be it sports, fighting, chess, or even seducing a girl, and woken up feeling great, knowing you can, and whistling through the day?

yes.

Honestly I can understand the thought process, even dealing with someone else's character, such as Caine, where one stops to think of what that person would do, then do it?
I have not stopped to think of exactly everything I could do, everything I want to be, and everything I want to make happen.

I beleive if I did this, completely in a healthy way--unlike Jack--that I could finally find my path and the power to do what I want.

"Tyler, I want you to look at me... my eyes are open."
-Jack

Emasculating Society

Today's society does not allow for a man-to-man duel to settle differences. Society used to be masculine. Guy screws your wife, you challenge him to a duel and you kill him. Your family's honor has been upheld, and you have taken out your frustration and rage on the object of your botherance.

Now, society is feminine. All our fight-to-the-death battles happen on a courtroom floor, and silver-tongued snakes sling their poison around in your stead. It's impotent, and emasculating. If a man screws my wife, I don't want money, I want blood.
His blood.
On my hands, sprayed across my face and dripping into my mouth. I want to see the light die in his eyes as he knows he's been beat, I want to see the realization in his posture every time he sees me from then on. I want to know that he knows I'm better than him, and not because a faceless serpent took money from him that I will probably never see.
The strong survive. This is a truism in all things except modern society. I appreciate the fact that a 5'8, 98 lb pencil-pusher can get his due against a 6 1/2 foot tall 300 lb musclular monstrocity. I understand that money opens doors for people, and blood does not, but we have castrated an integral part of our humanity.
There is no longer a need for a 6'6" 300 lb monstrocity to be around. We could all be 6'0" and weigh 185 lbs, each with the same hair color and eye color, facial features and mental capacity.
If you knew that by wronging that big guy, he could legally beat your face in, and make you his slave for restitution, there would be less people willing to do these things. Pain is the best persuader, allways has been, always will be. The presence or lack thereof will always be more potent than monetary discipline.

This is one reason why science fiction is less appealing to me than fantasy. Technology destroys skills, society destroys individualism. The natural path leads to a Brave New World, when our flaws make us as interesting as our strengths. If there is no reason to improve yourself, you will stagnate, If there is no reason to be strong and fit, people won't be. You see it in the animal kingdom all the time. The natural predators are lean, mean, and good at what they do. Those same predators sitting in a house being fed twice a day become fatty fluff balls that warm your feet and bite your toes. Even in this we see that a real cat is more interesting, more fun, and more dangerous than a robotic counterpart, or a virtual pet on a volumetric display that your house displays allways dogging your steps.
Don't get me wrong, I love technology. But technology should have its bounds set before imitation of real life.
I beleive that with the proper push, society could return to the strong surviving. Incorporate different societies. If your strength is mental, then the strongest mind survives, if your strength is physical, there you go.
Realistically there will never be a way to cull the herd until genetic manipulation is allowed. Destroy heart disease and dialisys. remove the genetic predispositions for alcoholism and drug abuse. Do not destroy the want for such things, but destroy the ability to be swept away by them.
In this, we are using technology to do what our natural instincts want us to do. This way, two men, regardless of what job they do, can fight to the death and be at equal enough odds. Improve technology and allow nature to influence us as well. this is the happy medium, this, is the domain of the Evil Overlord.
Vote Cam White for Supreme Usurper!

What Humanity Is

Previously I had posted here about wanting to run away and keep running. As I put it,

"[...]to find the soul of People as a whole, and leave before it can see me true."

The problem with this, is when you look into the soul of People as a Whole, you find that you are, in fact, looking into your own soul. As much as we try to be individuals, as much as we try to "go against the flow," we are all people, we all contribute to what humanity is. Running away from stress, to find out who people really are is only a quest to find who we, as individuals, truly are.
This shows how easy it is for a solipscist to think that they are the only real person, and all that goes on around them is either a figment of their imagination, or only real because it pertains to them.
This is ironic inandof itself because we all look to others to find out about ourselves. We may think we are learning something for someone else, but truly, when you go to medical school so you can learn to save your mother, or keep anyone else in your family from succumbing to an illness of this sort, you are truly only seeking control for yourself. You seek the power to keep bad things from happening to you, through the people you love, because if the people you love get hurt, that hurts you.