(I don't want to be bothered with a title)

What is best in life?

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women?

To have a good woman, lots of money and children?

To do have a career that makes you happy, regardless of what others expect of you?

To have hope?

Perhaps the best things in life are Love, Happiness, and Friendship.

I don't know. I want to be able to crush my enemies, have a good woman, do that which I want to do, have lots of money, hope, happiness, love and freindship.

Some of these things may well be mutually exclusive.
In order to have the love of a good woman, you need lot's of money. In order to have lots of money, you can't have a career that makes you happy...
So is the love of a good woman enough to make you happy, or is happiness something else entirely? Should I pursue a career that will make me happy, and then hope to find some girl out there who won't mind living off of meager wages, or should I go for a career that will get me significant moneys and marry a girl who wants me for my money and screws the starving artist on the side?

Should I trick some girl into loving me, pursue my dreams and let her win the bread until I make it big?

Regardless, there has to be some deception, because according to some people, putting any effort whatsoever into a relationship with me isn't worth it.

Dregs of Humanity

I can't stand people who list off the actions they hate in other people, but don't stop and think that perhaps they do the same things. I guess it's the unbridled self-righteousness of it all.

The people that do this really have no place to mention what they hate about others, because they fall in the category "Dregs of Humanity," and would be better suited to spend their time worrying about the horrible things they do rather than running away.

It's like a serial killer complaining about someone who commits manslaughter, a serial rapist complaining that someone raped his daughter.

I know my shortcomings. Some of which I truly have a passion to correct, others I like to sweep under the carpet and hope nobody notices.
Regardless, I try to be a good person, I try to do the right thing, and I try not to use people. Nobody's perfect, but some at least try to be.

I Like the Third Option

Here's the deal.
I love this girl. I've loved her since I got to know her, I've had a thing for her since I met her.
The last two months have been horrible, and yet, things were starting to get better.
we had nice conversations. We spent time together and enjoyed each other's presence. We weren't around each other 24/7, dragging each other down because of what was going on in our lives. We started working our full hours again, we started living our lives again.
Yet, the lingering doubts never washed away, they only got pushed to the background by the things I enjoy doing on a regular basis, and she was sleeping around on me. She was using me for alcohol, and every night we spent together going back to her ex-boyfriends house to get laid.
Thursday night we had a great time at Lynagh's. We had great conversations, and then we came back to my place, and I confronted her on some issues that had come to the forefront over the last few days.
She ran away. She decided not to deal with my confrontation, she decided that it would be better to be elsewhere, and pretend the conversation never happened.
I called her out on her behavior toward her ex and me.
I told her, that though I may be wrong, I'm going to tell you how I percieve things, and then you can tell me how I'm wrong.
I said I think she wants to be with me, but she's keeping the door open with her ex boyfriend. Then she started acting weird, and I asked her what was going through her head, and she said she was plotting her escape.
I must have hit the nail on the fucking head, because when that came out of my mouth, she reacted immediately.

I then took her home, and she kicked me out very quickly. She kissed me on the cheek, and I asked her if that meant we were over, and she said no, and leaned in and stuck her tongue down my throat.
Promptly thereafter she shut the door and locked it.
Part of what pissed me off was that at lynagh's she told me she had thirty dollars, and then I spent money on her, she went and bought cigarettes and a 12 pack, shared one beer with me and left.
I asked her if she was buying beer to drink with other people, and she said 'no, I want to have it, but i won't drink it unless you're with me..." but the phrase was weak, and it lacked conviction.
I don't know what's going on... and that's another reason why I got so angry last night.
I don't remember what I said to her over the phone, but I remember leaving three voicemails, the last of which was something along the lines of "at this point in my life i need a girl that cares about me more than herself, and I care about her more than myself, and so it balances out and shit still gets done... then a long pause, and a muttered 'it's over.'

Since telling her, at least on voicemail, that it was over, I've had a lighter load on my shoulders, but then again, I start to think that things were getting so much better, and that this weekend was going to be great.

The worst possible outcome of the immediate future is getting back with her, remembering everything, knowing nothing and heaped under a boatload of stress about what I want to know, and being a fool for a girl who is only using me.
The best would be knowing the truth, forgiving her, wiping the slate clean, starting over at a later time when she's past these foolish actions, trusting her, enjoying my life and those who are in it, and every moment we spend together.
Either of these outcomes can come to pass, and then there's the third option;
Just stay the hell away from her all together.

I like the third option... I put up with too much stress, too much abuse, too much betrayal, and too many actions that should have made me slap the shit out of her and kick her belligerent ass to the street to find her own way home, covered in her own urine and so drunk she can't talk.
I'll be her friend, but I'll be damned if I do anything for her...
And I'll enjoy my time with Angela.

The Kindness of Strangers

So I woke up this morning thinking about Larkin. Whatever it was, it was great. Then I remembered that I broke up with her last night.

I think I did the right thing.

More importantly, and the reason for this entry, is to report on the kindness of strangers.
I was leaning on a fence, my head in my hands when a lady walks by and asks me if everything is alright.
I looked up and said, "Girl problems."
She said, "Oh," and walked about 30 feet away, turned around and said, "If she really cared about you, she would want to make you feel good, not feel like this," and then walked away.

Needless to say, her comment took me aback. I had forgotten that about girls... The ones that care about you want to make you feel good...
And I had lost my way.
Some call those people angels.
Whatever she was, she had a bit more insight than the normal passer by.
What prompted her to say "if she really cared" rather than something to the effect of, 'She'll come around,' or 'Don't worry, it will work itself out in the end'...?

I guess at this point in my life I need a girl who cares about me as much as I care about her. Someone who, like I did with Larkin, cares about me more than themselves... So that when I need to go to the grocery so I can eat for two weeks, put gas in my car, and pay bills, she will say, "Don't worry about taking me out tonight, I have popcorn over here, we'll just sit and watch a movie," or, "I'll take YOU out tonight then."

Larkin couldn't do that for me...
Thus, my predominant thought today has been, "Why did I have to fall in love with her?"

Falling Behind... Again

The stress of my future is weighing heavy on my shoulders.
I no longer have the option of doing what I want to do, I now must merely do what I can to get where I want to be.
The dream of getting a degree in creative writing, with a minor in journalism and Communications is just that, but more. It's an adolescent pipe dream. What are the odds of getting a job as an editor, and what are the odds of getting published?

Philosophically, I feel as if the death of my dreams has caused me to become complacent towards an ever-growing threat of demise.

I want things in my life that my dreams won't provide, and yet, those things are material. Happiness is priceless, both in it's worth and in the fact that it can't be bought.

Marriage.
I am for the first time in my life in a place where marriage is a serious concern, and yet, that is the last thing I need right now. I want the love of a woman, but I need direction rather than a partner. I don't mean a mother or father figure, I mean direction spawned from my own self.
Yet, when is a partner's time? Should they not be with you and there for you during your times of strife? Isn't that one of the best parts of a serious relationship... the comfort and support that bolsters you for that one moment until you can take the next step yourself?
Yet, without these material things, I won't be able to keep a good girl. Love is supposed to conquer all, but what girl in her right mind would marry a man who will struggle to support her, constantly chasing his dream, even if she loves him?

The reader shall find me slumped forward on my desk, my head resting in my hands with a burning cigarette signifying my vain efforts to light my path.

Sell the Kids for Food

I absolutely hate money.
I will be enduring hardships for the next ten days, while looking for a job where I can work 25-30 hours a week on top of what I work now, just to pull in an extra 240 every two weeks.
Starbucks is close to my house, perhaps I can get on there.

I have officially quit smoking as of today.
I have been without cigarettes while in jail for three days before, but lit one up just as soon as i got out, because i could, and I had them. This time I don't have them, don't have a way to get them, and can't bring myself to bum cigarettes until i have money again in ten days(which of course, will all go toward food).
Plus I have figured out that mybe cigarettes do suppress your appetite, but if you haven't eaten more than a snickers bar in two days, cigarettes are a horrible idea( I found this out about two weeks ago.)

Girl started work today, and is having about the same money problems that I am, except for different reasons.

So Alex seems to think that the fact that my girl got off drugs was directly related to me and my actions.
I have repeatedly told him that nobody quits drugs unless they want to.
Regardless the point of this is that Alex is trying to get a particular girl off drugs, because(from my point of view) he has fallen in love with the idea of marrying a girl and having kids with her within five years, and for whatever reason, he thinks this drug addict is the one he wants.
I don't know if he thinks that my relationship with Larkin is a shining beacon of hope when it comes to guys pulling girls out of addiction to "nurse them back to health" and then marry them down the road or something, but I assure you, my relationship with Larkin is nothing like that.

it was just good luck that she decided to quit drugs when she did, because I wouldn't have stuck around waiting much longer, in fact, I had already moved on when I found out she was quitting.
I didn't nurse her back to health, I was merely there when she needed me, though she never wanted my help. I am in no way "hoping to marry this girl." i am dating her now, I would like to see where this relationship goes. That's that. I mean, yes, you date people to see if you are compatible with them, which in the long run leads to marriage at our age, but... I'm not running up to her saying, "Oooh, let's see if we like each other enough to get married.... your really hot!"


Alex has gotten himself into a mindset that in order not to fall behind, he has to marry a girl and have kids within five years. this is stupid, because he's not searching for the one, and hoping, he will be contented with anything he can get within time to have his kids.

more on this later.

I hate my life

I hate my life.
I hate money, I hate the situation I'm in. I hate that I won't get an Undergraduate digree for another four years, I hate that I make $10 an hour, I hate that I can't seem to care enough about myself to clean my apartment or decorate it, I hate that I don't care enough about myself to work out... even without a gym.
I hate that I don't have luxuries and opportunities, I hate that I have lost contact with a lot of my friends, I hate that I drink exorbitant amounts of alcohol, I hate that my luck doesn't work like people I see, I hate that I don't meet people anymore, I hate that I have fucked off for so long that I have too much catch-up to do, I hate my emotional state of affairs, I hate my physical state of affairs, and I hate my spiritual state of affairs.
I hate other things about myself, physical and mental.
I hate that I have no REAL passion for writing right now, I hate that I have no real ambition, and I hate that I am Lazy.

I hate myself, because I don't take care of me, I take care of others.
I want to quit.
I want to restart, make better decisions and be 24 right now, with all of those decisions having been made.

I look at where I am, and I look at where I could have been. I look at what's in between, and I can't exactly say that even the in-between wouldn't be far better.

I owe money to people and have no real way of paying it back any time soon.
Even if I could start over financially, like I did at the beginning of september, not owing anything, with a bit of money saved to afford an apartment. If I could get a windfall of money, It wouldn't have to be much, just enough to cover what I owe and be able to pay what I need to pay on time this month, I could feel better.
DAMNIT, this life sucks.

Meeting in the Middle

So I realized today that I don't hate girl. I also realized last night, knowing where she was without having to check or call anyone, that I don't even care that she was there. I got a small little hitch of anger, and then it was immediately gone. I think I might be starting to pull away from her because of the level of stress she's brought into my life so far. I don't want to be worried that she's cheating on me when she's not at my place, I don't want to be worried that she's out on a date with someone else while she's with me. I also don't want her there the whole time. I want to have the stability in the relationship that if Im not around her I'm not worried she's fucking me over, and when I'm with her we're either making up from a bullshit fight or having a great time like we are wont to do. It doesn't help the situation that I have reasons to beleive that both outcomes are very possible. What does help, though, is that I no longer worry about her cheating.

I wonder why that is?

From Love to Hate to Love to Hate to Love...

So I have come to expect certain things from love; one of which is the fact that it endureth, and yet, can run and hide in the deepest, darkest catacomb of the soul, only to lick it's wounds and come back again another day.

There are some things this girl does that I just can't stand; there are some things about her that I can't stand, and then, there are the things that polish those rough spots out, and make her gleam in my eyes like spun gold.

Sometimes I want to break her in half, other times I want to fuck her to death, other times I can't stand to see her, other times I can't wait to.

I was once a hopeless romantic. I had a vision in my head of a girl that every time I see her I love her even more, of doing the same things, loving each other fully and never fighting.
I got over that a long time ago.
Now I know that when two people are together, they won't agree on everything, they won't always be feeling the same ways at the same time. there will be fights, but these fights result in common cause more often than not, and the two people come back to each other afterwards, having done nothing to worsen the situation after the fight.

I don't know, It's kinda scary when I start to think about it. The feelings I have for this girl run the gammut from Love to like to frustration and distrust to dislike to hatred, and back again. And back again does it ever go...

CItizens

People have more fun than anyone...
Except for horses, they sleep with thier shoes on.

Life should be good, no matter what's happening. It is our job to be happy as often as we can, and to do things that make us happy. The Citizen of the World, however, knows the difference between what makes them happy, and what makes them happy at the expense of others, and can choose the right thing.