Be Nice

You have to love girls.
I used to think that the kind of girl I wanted only existed in my mind. I have since found this to be untrue. I'm not falling for a girl, but the kind of girl, with the confidence and the effervescence and the ability to stake claims and the specific ways they stake those claims, actually exists.
Larkin actually grabbed my crotch and kissed me in public staking her claim in front of this really cute brunette I was talking to a while back, Sara actually verbally attacked another girl to stake her claim. It's interesting and awesome to see how far people will go, and how certain people who's faults and strengths you already recognize carry out there reactions.
I'm sorry, but this is badass.
Over the last few months I have truly lived. I have seen great things, horrible things, and certainly met a lot of characters.
My writing has improved exponentially because of it, and that makes me happy.
Another thing that makes me jump with joy is actually meeting people that fit molds for characters I have already drawn up. That just means that I have done something right, and that I do actually have a grasp on who people really are, or at least how they act in public and private.

HEHEHEHEE

Paradigm Shift

There are times in one's life when decisions need to be made, choices picked that will close old doors and open new ones.

One will never be the same after these kinds of decisions, but the outcome, and the way change affects us is up to the chooser.

Some people fall in love with someone, and when it doesn't work out, they become jaded, and sink to levels they never would have reached before. Some people hold on to 'the one that got away' and never try again.
Others realize that 'the one that got away' was just one, and resign themselves to finding a new 'one.'

I am at this point faced with a paradigm shift. I realize that the girl I fell in love with doesn't exist. At this point I have several options. I can continue looking for a girl that matches the description, or I can find within myself something else to look for. I can gather completely new information about what I want, and go from there. If I do this, there will not be a physical girl there living in the back of my mind as 'the one.' rather, my perspective will be widened and I will be set free to find a good girl.
There is no girl of my dreams, there is only the girl I will eventually marry, who will not fall into any physical category that I can put together in my mind.

I can leave this world behind and walk into the daylight, beginning a new journey as a new man. I have found myself, and I know what I'm capable of. Now is the time for me to find who I want to be, and become said person.

There are good things about me, but even those must be reforged. I must melt myself down completely, remove the dross, and be forged anew, perhaps as an alloy, perhaps as a more pure version of myself, with a new shape, a new perpose, a new life.

It's Really Good to Hear Your Voice

...sayin my name it sounds so sweet coming from the lips of a[falle]n angel hearing those words it makes me weak. And I never wanna say goodbye, but girl you make it hard to be faithful[to myself]... with the lips of a[falle]n angel.

I know you haven't changed, love. I know you've regressed even. But goddamnit, girl, I still want you, I still care, and I still...
I still see that girl I fell in love with every time. Every time I smell you, see you, hear you speak, feel your energy anywhere near me, every time I touch you, be it your hand or your hip, every time I taste you on the air, kiss you on the neck, that girl who never existed pops into my mind smiling at me with arms spread wide.

I can't handle this. Perhaps in ten years time, when I'm married with or without kids, with or without a dog, a picket fence or even a yacht, perhaps then, when I come into contact with you I will remember you, not that girl. Perhaps then we can speak of old times, catch up on each other's lives and part ways amicably, each of us a better person for the time spent.
Now, just seeing you from afar rips me asunder, tears me limb from limb, muscle from ligament, with desire and hope, with longing.

These feelings I have for you, they defy all reason. They defy logic, intelligence and philosophy.

I know, deep down, and on the surface as well, that I am not the only one who feels this way. What I wouldn't give to be able to ensnare people like you do. What I wouldn't give to be able to make the people I want want me with such a fervor that they would go to the ends of the earth, fight battles and lose friends just to be by my side, even though they know exactly who I am, and all reason, logic and intelligence says they should be far, far away.

What I wouldn't give...

What I Wouldn't Give.

Stupidity and Love

I believe that I have used up my alotment of stupidity. I am no longer allowed to be stupid.
I was in love with a person who didn't exist, and I have been trying to rationalize spending time with her regardless.
This isn't stupidity if I know I can control my urges and my feelings, but who can?
If I spend time with her I'll want her again, and that's not fair to me.

There is such a thing as True Romantic Love. I just don't think I've ever experienced it to the fullest for one near my age. Infatuation, limerance, tender affection, or extreme attraction perhaps, but never True Romantic Love.
Love grows over time. I love Annie, inasmuch as I want good things for her, but I don't have romantic feelings for her. I feel the same way about Larkin, though my romantic feelings are just under the surface, methinks. Perhaps I need a bit more time to pull away... which is in keeping with the 'not being stupid anymore' part.
Who knows...

I'm done now.