Emo Trip
Tonight was one of those nights that you have to sleep on to figure out whether they are good or not.
I walked Larkin home tonight, talked to her for a while at her place, we walked arm in arm the whole way AT HER INITIATION, and had a bit of tension when we got to her place that said, I'm not quite sure what it is I feel about you...
I aslo found out that she thinks, or at least on of their mutual friends thinks, that she is DATING Josh.
This is fine with me, at least I know Josh is a good guy.
I mean I gave up on her last week or the week before, right?
I also catch myself saying that they kinda fit. I can't fault myself in saying that I am a better man, and this is not "josh is lesser than me," but I have more things going for me in the long run, I have more things I am passionate about. He has his good things, I have my good things, it's one of those 'she could do better with me, beacause, well, it's me,' things.
He's probably better than me in ways that I can't compare to that matter to her.
Oh well.
I'm a bit bitter, methinks, because i really wanted to be with her while I had a chance, but looking back, I did BLOW my chance more times than I can count.
I just have to accept that I suck when it comes to getting girls I like. I can get girls, but if I really like them I end up closing doors because I figuratively run away from opportunities.
EEEAAHHHHH!!
I hate losing. I don't know why, because i seem to do it so fucking often...
DAMMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I do things right?
Why can't I fit into society?
Why do I have to distance myself from everything that is good as soon as I find it.... But more importantly, why do I find something good and almost perposefully fuck it up?
I mean seriously, I have never been with a girl that I REALLY liked. I mean fuck, the girls I have been with i have liked, but none of them have the same OHMYGODSHEISFUCKINGHOT
ANDSHESLOOKINGATME
ICOULDGETWITHHERIFIJUST
GOTALKTOHER vibe.
I don't take risks, and I hate myself for it.
On to other reason's why I not sure if tonight was good or not...
Old girl that I messed around with the other week was there playing with my hair, but she is now ingaged to someone.
hmmm. Kinda wierd that.... maybe she was looking to see if she really wanted old dude. Oh well, I can consent to being used like that sometimes... Especially because I'm so starved for attention right now.
Karen(the hot, interesting, stable, funny girl that sits with other people but still talks to me every time i see her) was there too, and she specifically hit on me.
Cam "You're still here! It's dark outside and you're still here."
Karen "I was gettin sweet lovin' for a while." She stops and looks at me. "I'm not getting sweet lovin' anymore."
Ben "Ha ha ha! That's an Invitation Cam!! GO FOR IT!"
Cam "hahaha." Sits down, thinks 'i should get her number this time' and promptly stops thinking about it, because he's too chicken shit.
Why can' I allow myself to get a good thing?
the girl that has been talking to austin for a while came outside to smoke and started playing with my hair from behind me.
"Ahhhhhh. I am your slave now..."
"Hmm. You're my slave?"
"Mmm hmmm."
"Then say something mean to Austin, slave."
"Austin, you're a fucktard."
I had to think about it for a second, I could have REALLY pissed him off, but i decided just saying something mean worked.
I guess the whole thing is, I have no morals, I have no real standards, I will fuck anything that throws itself on me, because I'm starved for attention. The girls I like, I can't let myself be with because I hate myself so much and I'm a scared little bitch.
I walked Larkin home tonight, talked to her for a while at her place, we walked arm in arm the whole way AT HER INITIATION, and had a bit of tension when we got to her place that said, I'm not quite sure what it is I feel about you...
I aslo found out that she thinks, or at least on of their mutual friends thinks, that she is DATING Josh.
This is fine with me, at least I know Josh is a good guy.
I mean I gave up on her last week or the week before, right?
I also catch myself saying that they kinda fit. I can't fault myself in saying that I am a better man, and this is not "josh is lesser than me," but I have more things going for me in the long run, I have more things I am passionate about. He has his good things, I have my good things, it's one of those 'she could do better with me, beacause, well, it's me,' things.
He's probably better than me in ways that I can't compare to that matter to her.
Oh well.
I'm a bit bitter, methinks, because i really wanted to be with her while I had a chance, but looking back, I did BLOW my chance more times than I can count.
I just have to accept that I suck when it comes to getting girls I like. I can get girls, but if I really like them I end up closing doors because I figuratively run away from opportunities.
EEEAAHHHHH!!
I hate losing. I don't know why, because i seem to do it so fucking often...
DAMMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I do things right?
Why can't I fit into society?
Why do I have to distance myself from everything that is good as soon as I find it.... But more importantly, why do I find something good and almost perposefully fuck it up?
I mean seriously, I have never been with a girl that I REALLY liked. I mean fuck, the girls I have been with i have liked, but none of them have the same OHMYGODSHEISFUCKINGHOT
ANDSHESLOOKINGATME
ICOULDGETWITHHERIFIJUST
GOTALKTOHER vibe.
I don't take risks, and I hate myself for it.
On to other reason's why I not sure if tonight was good or not...
Old girl that I messed around with the other week was there playing with my hair, but she is now ingaged to someone.
hmmm. Kinda wierd that.... maybe she was looking to see if she really wanted old dude. Oh well, I can consent to being used like that sometimes... Especially because I'm so starved for attention right now.
Karen(the hot, interesting, stable, funny girl that sits with other people but still talks to me every time i see her) was there too, and she specifically hit on me.
Cam "You're still here! It's dark outside and you're still here."
Karen "I was gettin sweet lovin' for a while." She stops and looks at me. "I'm not getting sweet lovin' anymore."
Ben "Ha ha ha! That's an Invitation Cam!! GO FOR IT!"
Cam "hahaha." Sits down, thinks 'i should get her number this time' and promptly stops thinking about it, because he's too chicken shit.
Why can' I allow myself to get a good thing?
the girl that has been talking to austin for a while came outside to smoke and started playing with my hair from behind me.
"Ahhhhhh. I am your slave now..."
"Hmm. You're my slave?"
"Mmm hmmm."
"Then say something mean to Austin, slave."
"Austin, you're a fucktard."
I had to think about it for a second, I could have REALLY pissed him off, but i decided just saying something mean worked.
I guess the whole thing is, I have no morals, I have no real standards, I will fuck anything that throws itself on me, because I'm starved for attention. The girls I like, I can't let myself be with because I hate myself so much and I'm a scared little bitch.
posted by Hadrian: Dark One at 11:31 PM
1 Comments:
I definately understand where you're coming from. So often I feel the same way. Why don't I ask the girl out? For me, it's fear. But I know I shouldn't let fear rule my life. You are a great guy, the more you believe that the easier life is. And you will find someone. As Kaylee says: "You just gotta have faith in people." This includes yourself.
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