Bleak Landscape
Everything seems bleak.
My monetary situation is iffy at best, my girl situation might as well be non-existant, I have no plans for my life, I have no direction, and I'm overweight. It seems as if everything I do to change these things just falls flat two feet in front of me.
Every once in a while I just wish something would work out.
Just for one moment I wish I could transcend the normal level of my life, take a glance at the workings of the world, and then tailor myself to what fits it best.
I don't want this shitty cobbled-together view on the world, I want to KNOW. I want my life to stop being a constant struggle. Just for a moment, have everything be Ok, on a course for where it's supposed to be going. I'm tired of beating my life into submission, I'm tired of having all my works laid to waste and be for nought. Just once I wish it all would fall into place so I'm not pushing a freight train along the wooden slats of a track, only to be constantly mocked and cajoled by the mere presence of the metal runners that are decidedly NOT under the wheels.
It's like I'm still walking up the Down escalator. As a child I did it because it was different and enjoyable, as an adult I'm doing it because I never learned that the Up escalator is easier.
Its as if I've been on this Down Escalator for so long, working so hard that I'm almost there, and to start over and get on the Up Escalator would be too much work.
I don't know how to read into the minds of the people around me. I don't know what they want of me, and I don't know what to do to get what I want from them.
I am the far edge of society, buffeted about in a windstorm the likes of the real world has never seen, hanging on tightly to one sinew of muscle that is all that keeps me from being swept away. I can see the body of people moving along, protected from the storm, paying no mind to my predicament, and caring not one whit if I slip into oblivion beacause my grip is failing. They are sound on the ground, and I'm suspended by wind over a precipice.
I'm blind, deaf, dumb and mute, but i know the world around me is beautiful and fine, because I've heard it and seen it before.
I've tasted the sweet ambrosia, but am denied it like an alcoholic.
i have tasted it, known it is good, but cannot have it again, for fear that I will slip once more into happiness, but that way leads to oblivion.
I'm too smart to be the Hero, and not smart enough to be the Villain. I'm in that treacherous middle ground that leaves me with no purpose but to stand around and watch the story unfold, not even important enough to bear mentioning as the words flow by.
"Well, now that has an effect on the landscape." -Mal Reynolds
My monetary situation is iffy at best, my girl situation might as well be non-existant, I have no plans for my life, I have no direction, and I'm overweight. It seems as if everything I do to change these things just falls flat two feet in front of me.
Every once in a while I just wish something would work out.
Just for one moment I wish I could transcend the normal level of my life, take a glance at the workings of the world, and then tailor myself to what fits it best.
I don't want this shitty cobbled-together view on the world, I want to KNOW. I want my life to stop being a constant struggle. Just for a moment, have everything be Ok, on a course for where it's supposed to be going. I'm tired of beating my life into submission, I'm tired of having all my works laid to waste and be for nought. Just once I wish it all would fall into place so I'm not pushing a freight train along the wooden slats of a track, only to be constantly mocked and cajoled by the mere presence of the metal runners that are decidedly NOT under the wheels.
It's like I'm still walking up the Down escalator. As a child I did it because it was different and enjoyable, as an adult I'm doing it because I never learned that the Up escalator is easier.
Its as if I've been on this Down Escalator for so long, working so hard that I'm almost there, and to start over and get on the Up Escalator would be too much work.
I don't know how to read into the minds of the people around me. I don't know what they want of me, and I don't know what to do to get what I want from them.
I am the far edge of society, buffeted about in a windstorm the likes of the real world has never seen, hanging on tightly to one sinew of muscle that is all that keeps me from being swept away. I can see the body of people moving along, protected from the storm, paying no mind to my predicament, and caring not one whit if I slip into oblivion beacause my grip is failing. They are sound on the ground, and I'm suspended by wind over a precipice.
I'm blind, deaf, dumb and mute, but i know the world around me is beautiful and fine, because I've heard it and seen it before.
I've tasted the sweet ambrosia, but am denied it like an alcoholic.
i have tasted it, known it is good, but cannot have it again, for fear that I will slip once more into happiness, but that way leads to oblivion.
I'm too smart to be the Hero, and not smart enough to be the Villain. I'm in that treacherous middle ground that leaves me with no purpose but to stand around and watch the story unfold, not even important enough to bear mentioning as the words flow by.
"Well, now that has an effect on the landscape." -Mal Reynolds
posted by Hadrian: Dark One at 10:30 AM
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