Girls, Truth, and the Parched Man
Loneliness has never really been a factor in my life when it comes to finding relationships. From the countless times my mother has said 'lonliness is not a reason to start dating someone', to watching my father get into horrible situations because of it, to reassesing why I like a certain girl to being at peace with myself, I've had reasons to at least try to date for the right reasons.
However, when you are alone for an extended period of time, and out of the blue you bond with someone, the lonliness that you have integrated into yourself so you don't fall into an abyss of depression seems like the most foul cancer on your soul.
This is the situation I am in presently. I was fine, looking around at possibilities, stringing myself along with the possiblity of meeting a great girl, but for the most part content in my search, when Larkin starts kissing me.
It was like walking into a room full of the smoke from the purest, most desirable, and ultimately world-destroying drug, and inhaling as if I had just broken the surface of water.
I wanted more, and there were few things that would stand in my way.
But I was still content with my situation inasfar as relationships were concearned. I was single and kissing a beautiful woman. Sneaking around a corner and stealing a kiss that lasts several minutes, riding the thermals of infatuation and maddeningly slow progress that in the end, makes the conquest all the sweeter.
I had slowly transversed from adapted lonliness to an infatuated single, and it was good. My motives were as pure as lust can make them, and deeper still. Crushes are dangerous things, and to be avoided at all costs save the fact that life is much more interesting, real, and tangible when they are present, versus living like something out of I, Robot.
When the opportunity to take the relationship further presented itself, I stood tall and faced it head on, only deluding myself with one assumption.
"They must have broken up."
When this proved to be false, a hoarde of feelings assaulted me, ranging from stunned disbelief to depressed defeat, from anger at being used to high spirits that she chose me, from resolve to break them up and have her to myself, regardless of the consequences, to calling her a whore to the host of conflicting ideas and plans in my head.
Yet, perhaps the worst knowledge I have gleaned from this situation is how easily I allow myself to be led around by my cock. They say love is blind, but I beleive Lust is blinding.
Aside from this, I am alone again. I am a boat who's lines have been cut, sending it floating away from the others it was tied to, adrift and lonely. Self sufficient, yes, but heading for disaster on the rocks to the east, unwilling to power up and find another group to join.
Worse and Worst, I feel the lonliness. I feel the pull of the familiar, and I want it gone. I want it gone with such a furor that I'm afraid who I would take into my bed, or at least into my arms just to keep the wolves at bay. The only times I use people is when I am so completely focused on something else, and the opportunity arises to fulfill a secondary objective. I don't want to do this any more, I want all of my decisions to be based in some sort of rationale that isn't momentary, even if that rationale comes first, and then after it has become steady, caution is thrown to the wind, I still have the rationale that started the cycle.
I.E. Person A is funny and cute, but has a crazy streak that might have her chasing me with an Ice Pick. No. Person B is hot, but her personality makes chewing rocks look like fun. No. Person C is cute, funny, and intelligent, but her feet are ugly.
Person C has more good than bad, and so they are the best choice from here. Then caution gets thrown to the wind stealing kisses, tickle wars and throwing her into the lake and jumping in after.
Not, as is the current default position, Hey that person is interested in me, it'll be easy... oh god what have I done?
Perhaps the whole point of this is to say that once you have tasted the water after drinking piss for so long, you don't want the piss again, even if it means drinking muddy water until you can find another spring.
However, when you are alone for an extended period of time, and out of the blue you bond with someone, the lonliness that you have integrated into yourself so you don't fall into an abyss of depression seems like the most foul cancer on your soul.
This is the situation I am in presently. I was fine, looking around at possibilities, stringing myself along with the possiblity of meeting a great girl, but for the most part content in my search, when Larkin starts kissing me.
It was like walking into a room full of the smoke from the purest, most desirable, and ultimately world-destroying drug, and inhaling as if I had just broken the surface of water.
I wanted more, and there were few things that would stand in my way.
But I was still content with my situation inasfar as relationships were concearned. I was single and kissing a beautiful woman. Sneaking around a corner and stealing a kiss that lasts several minutes, riding the thermals of infatuation and maddeningly slow progress that in the end, makes the conquest all the sweeter.
I had slowly transversed from adapted lonliness to an infatuated single, and it was good. My motives were as pure as lust can make them, and deeper still. Crushes are dangerous things, and to be avoided at all costs save the fact that life is much more interesting, real, and tangible when they are present, versus living like something out of I, Robot.
When the opportunity to take the relationship further presented itself, I stood tall and faced it head on, only deluding myself with one assumption.
"They must have broken up."
When this proved to be false, a hoarde of feelings assaulted me, ranging from stunned disbelief to depressed defeat, from anger at being used to high spirits that she chose me, from resolve to break them up and have her to myself, regardless of the consequences, to calling her a whore to the host of conflicting ideas and plans in my head.
Yet, perhaps the worst knowledge I have gleaned from this situation is how easily I allow myself to be led around by my cock. They say love is blind, but I beleive Lust is blinding.
Aside from this, I am alone again. I am a boat who's lines have been cut, sending it floating away from the others it was tied to, adrift and lonely. Self sufficient, yes, but heading for disaster on the rocks to the east, unwilling to power up and find another group to join.
Worse and Worst, I feel the lonliness. I feel the pull of the familiar, and I want it gone. I want it gone with such a furor that I'm afraid who I would take into my bed, or at least into my arms just to keep the wolves at bay. The only times I use people is when I am so completely focused on something else, and the opportunity arises to fulfill a secondary objective. I don't want to do this any more, I want all of my decisions to be based in some sort of rationale that isn't momentary, even if that rationale comes first, and then after it has become steady, caution is thrown to the wind, I still have the rationale that started the cycle.
I.E. Person A is funny and cute, but has a crazy streak that might have her chasing me with an Ice Pick. No. Person B is hot, but her personality makes chewing rocks look like fun. No. Person C is cute, funny, and intelligent, but her feet are ugly.
Person C has more good than bad, and so they are the best choice from here. Then caution gets thrown to the wind stealing kisses, tickle wars and throwing her into the lake and jumping in after.
Not, as is the current default position, Hey that person is interested in me, it'll be easy... oh god what have I done?
Perhaps the whole point of this is to say that once you have tasted the water after drinking piss for so long, you don't want the piss again, even if it means drinking muddy water until you can find another spring.
posted by Hadrian: Dark One at 11:41 AM
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