When Life Says, "Fuck Your Indecision," In a Manner That Leaves You Feeling Gutshot.

An ode to shortcomings best kept to one's self, the very nature of which are interpersonal; and those unspeakable moments in our lives that we delude ourselves into being happy.

Certain slips of tongue and mind that have me saying the truth when a version of it would be better, certain circumstances that would have benefited, and/or not been born if an ounce of forethought came first; some physical properties that have been sub-par, have all conspired to land me in my current situation.

I honestly think this is the first time I have been passed over for another after I have actively gone after someone. It's not the fact that I was passed over, I've dealt with that. It's the fact that I actually went after this girl, had her for a moment, then lost her. Granted, I had a bunch of things stacked against me, my physical appearance for one, for another, the candidate I was running against was the incumbent.

I have mixed feelings on the whole charade. One, I actually displaced the boyfriend and got a chance. On the other hand, I lost. On the other hand, I achieved a goal I had set myself, to fuck her brains out. At the same time, I created a bond with her that, at least to me, took things further in my heart. This is the main reason I hate one-night stands.
(on a completely different note: I love working here, dogs run around in here on completely random days, walking the eight year old girls that bring them[seeing big dogs walking little people always brings a smile to my face])
I had a dilemma, I have liked Othergirl for longer and more passionately than Larkin, but had set myself the goal previously stated. Then I find out that Othergirl has moved back to town, and I couldn't decide between the two. Life has a way of working itself out. I had decided to date them both, and at some point, drop one and 'go steady' with the other. On that note, my dilemma is solved.
Bear in mind my situation as of Tuesday(Wednesday was when the dilemma was solved). Two girls I really like; one with one set of good points and 'arguments', the other with a different set. I have been in this situation before. The only difference is that I actually took a step and started doing something about it rather than waiting for the situation to resolve itself.
Now: When in this situation previously, the end result was always the same. I wait to find out, and both go away. Hopefully, this won't happen again. The situation is not the same, and several things could make it go any way from left.
I posted something here that, once reread, I deleted. A post about my feelings for Othergirl. It was in-depth, soul-bearing and something that I really shouldn't have put on the internet.

I don't view this as "option one went away, therefore option two is good," I view it as "option one and two are equal in different ways, and now option two has presented itself to be, not only more likely, but more fun."

Larkin cheated on her boyfriend, not only with me(unbeknownst, btw) but with at least one other person. This is not someone I want to be in a serious relationship with because I know exactly what will happen. I have cheated on one girl, after learning that she cheated on me, and then subsequently tried to break the relationship, but that's a Whole Nother Can of Squirms. I think Othergirl is a much more upstanding citizen, with better long-term plans(Larkin wants to be an elementary school teacher[there is nothing wrong with this, but for her it seems to be a cop-out] while Othergirl has a degree in biology and chemistry, and is looking at grad school for equine health).

Seeing Tim come back has me thinking. Will has a girlfriend he lives with in Savannah, Malloy-- is well, Malloy(humorous aside[last night Tim and I are talking about mutual friends and what's been going on in theirs and our lives. I raised my glass and said, 'To Malloy, may we never be in the same situation']), Tim is about to move in with his girl in Columbia, and here I am, sitting alone in Fuckington Kentucky(the city that swallows your dreams then defecates them on your chest, leaving a permanent stain), letting life pass me by, working at the same dead-end job and hanging with the same Headed-Nowhere freinds(Not You, Alex) going to the same bar every week and writing the same fucking novel.

I kicked my ass last night, and starting today, after I pick my car up, I'm going to go work out at the ROC(recreation outreach center at church) which is a little more than a mile away and $5 a month, getting my finances in order and getting registered for Engineering School. If a girl I like wants to come along for the ride, well, More Power To Her.